K’s Emotional Madness

As we come to an end, things have gotten easier to deal with. I started looking forward to coming to school. I started working on my future career. I have started cosmetology school, while I am still in high school. I have a job. I work a double every Saturday. 

I have big plans for my future. After I graduate Cosmetology school in December, I will start working in a salon. As I am working in the salon, I want to go to college and get my education degree. Hopefully one day I will own my own salon. I will not have to work in the salon everyday because I will be the owner. The story behind me wanting to become a teacher is that ever since I was a kid I have struggled with learning. My elementary school never knew I had dyslexia. I had a class of eight kids. How can a teacher not realize that a child has a learning difficulty? I told my teachers over and over how I felt about this and nobody listened. I also struggled with myself because I looked different from all the other kids. Fifth grade is when I struggled the most. That’s when you’re stepping into jr high and have to switch classes, maybe make new friends, and you get to be a part of extracurricular activities. I want to be a teacher that not only my students, but other teachers students come to when they need help, to talk to someone, or have something they are excited about. I am a very outgoing person, and I feel like I could make a difference in children’s lives. 

I have worked my butt off these last 3 months. I figured out a coping skill to help me handle my stress. I have met my best friend, who gives me the same effort as I put in. I also started talking with someone who has a really big heart. He will never understand how much he has impacted my life. I have a great support system that I will forever be grateful for. 

Life gets harder before it gets easier. Each situation you go through is temporary. You have to push yourself to do, and be better. The only person that matters at the end of the day is yourself. Be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. I am learning to let people talk because the people that are talking bad about someone are the same people that don’t put any effort into fulfilling their future. One day you will look back and be so proud of how far you have come. I know looking back to six months ago I was a hot mess, I didn’t know how to handle my emotions, and I never went to school. Now I get up every morning, go to school, get my stuff done, and think about how proud I am of myself. 

No matter what you’re going through, keep pushing. You will get through your hard times. Be better, so you can do better. 

#peaceandlove

I finally feel content with myself. I can’t change myself because someone doesn’t like the way I am. I have made so much progress in the last eight months by taking a lot of toxic people out of my life. I have learned that no matter who I am friends with, everyone will always have something to say. I also have learned to cherish the time I have with my dad because he isn’t always going to be around. No matter the mistakes he has made through his life, he will always be my dad. I will also always be his little girl.

Another thing that has been on my mind, heavy, for the last couple weeks is cosmetology school. Everyone in my class has nothing to say but negative things about the school I liked. I go in on February 22nd for orientation. I start taking part time classes on February 28th. The first thing I will be learning is hair cutting. I will be taking the night classes three times a week.  After night classes end, I will switch to full time in June. I am not telling anyone about me taking the classes now. I do not care to hear the judgment. With the school I chose, I liked the one on one, the personal connections, and the opportunities they give. I am so excited to start. It is going to be a great experience. I will have to work extra hard to get everything done and be super prepared. 

This I have taught myself to understand is people are always going to judge, no one will ever understand how I roll, and the gossip will never stop. I will just have to keep going no matter what. 

 I have been so sad lately. I feel angry and upset all the time. I take all my anger out on the people I love. I am fed up with everyone, and everything. I am everyone’s counselor, but nobody will take the time to listen to my problems. Everytime I try to bring up something that was bothering me they just change the conversation. I take hours, long dedication to listen to every single detail, and I give my honest advice/ opinions on the situation. Usually the person’s problems are the same thing repeated over and over. You should never let anyone walk all over you, and they think it’s okay for their friends to do that. I never ask for anything from them but when I do ask for something, its for them just to listen to my rant. I always ask myself how is it so hard for them to return the favor by listening to me?

I have distanced myself from everyone. I talk to my friends at school, but never hang out when we are not at school. I can not handle all the drama. My two very best friends do not like each other, so it is so stressful trying to make both of them satisfied. I stopped trying to please them both. If one asks me to do something, I will but I am not going out of my way for them any more. Although me and my mom but heads often, she is truly my best friend. My mom will support me through anything and everything she can. Looking back on the past, I have realized just how much she has given up so that I could do something I wanted to. She saw the pain I was in growing up, (ya she may not have known how to handle it, but she figured out how to). She has been here through everything. My mom and I’s bond is unbreakable. 

My goal for the next two weeks is to find something I enjoy doing. I will take one day to myself and do it. I am starting to go back to counseling after a few months without it. I will continue to set those healthy boundaries for myself, and continue to be the best me I know I can be.

The last week and a half I have been home alone. My little sister is in California training to be in a movie or commercial. You don’t know the definition of lonely until you have no one checking in on you, and you start only talking to your animals. I thought I would like to be alone. I would just get to relax and do my own thing without anyone telling me what to do. So far I have cleaned the whole house, fed and water the animals, and worked.

 I have been kind of in a down in the dumps mood. Being alone, then being made fun of for the same stuff over and over again. I am trying not to miss any more days of school until I graduate. When the same boy makes the same “jokes” it gets hard. His mom works at the school, so I went and confronted her about it. My dad might not be the greatest of a person, but when someone is hurting us, he always has our back. I know that I am beautiful, and strong, but it’s the fact that he is just another boy. He is nothing special, and will never be anything special because he is a bully. How can someone say all these mean things to you and be okay with themselves? I say one mean thing to my friends and I am in instant guilt. 

One day, I hope these boys feel sorry. Hurting someone because you are no longer friends with them is not okay. I stopped counseling because now my person is only doing online calls. I have been talking everything out with my best friend. She really helps me. My goals for this semester is to come to school everyday, and study harder for tests.

I have been working on myself. I had surgery, so the recovery has been rough. As I start to feel better- I have found a healthy way of eating. My mom and I started fasting. We are going to get through these hard times together. Since my surgery and not being able to eat anything but soft, liquid foods I have lost 10 pounds. I do not know if people can tell, but I can definitely tell in my face. 

I have been out of school for about two weeks because of my surgery. I have been the happiest I have been in a long time in the last two weeks. It is crazy to think that going to school, and seeing people that call me names and make animal noises at me can put me down so much. School is not my strong suit and never has been. I try my hardest to just get through it. It makes my days even harder to walk by him and his friends calling me names and making those noises. Everyone tells me “don’t worry about it, you’re fine.” I stopped letting it bother me. I honestly think it is kind of funny now because they are just as equal as me. Another thing is that only one of my teachers was accommodating to my school work, and that was my english teacher. It was not like pulling teeth to get her to respond, or to just flat out tell me what to do. It helps out that she is tech savvy. School gets harder and harder everyday, not the work, but the people. My social battery is getting low, But with the help of some people I can get through it.

The way I get through this is going for long car rides with my friends. I journal, and talk about it with my mom. Once this year is over, I will look back and realize how far I have come and be more proud of myself than I already am.

I have struggled with my weight since I was little. I have lost weight, then gained it all back. I have gone to the gym consistently for months and months. I tried to stop eating, but I started getting sick from that. I drink a lot of water. I eat vegetables and some meat, and that’s about it. I don’t eat breakfast or lunch. I try my best to wear things that make me feel comfortable, not too tight. I get a size bigger than what I really need. I am working on building a healthy meal plan. 

To the boys that call me a heifer, and moo at me:

I am not a heifer, nor a cow. But I am beautiful, strong, and a fighter. I will fight my feelings to get up and come to school and see you every day. You don’t win. You lose, you’re a loser. Thinking that you can use my weight against me is not okay. You know that I have struggled with my weight forever, and you know that. I used to cry in your arms, and you would tell me that I am so beautiful. I speak English, you do not have to moo at me. I have moved on. I no longer hate you anymore, but I will never ever give you anymore respect. You lost my trust. I gave you everything, money, time, and my whole heart. We are no longer together. There is no need to keep bashing me with your friends. I hope you are happy with yourselves. I wasn’t able to stop crying for two days straight. I hope you are happy with yourself because I sure am happy I am not around you anymore. 

The way I cope with this pain is to laugh about it. It truly hurts my feelings, but I can not help what they say. I am looking for a new counselor because the one I have now is just doing online calls. All this pain will end when I prove to myself that I am worthy. 

The last couple weeks have been pretty good. My birthday happened, my dad took me to breakfast, and my mom and sister have been working on things for my birthday party. My grandma took me to get a pedicure and then her and my grandpa took me out for dinner. The last two weeks have been really good. I enjoyed everything that I have done. 

I have learned how to be happy on my own, for the most part. I can sit by myself and be perfectly content. One morning, I was running a little behind, last week. My dad came into my room and said get ready we are going to breakfast. I got ready and followed him into town. He has not asked me to do anything in years, just the two of us. That breakfast was so sentimental to me because he told me how proud he was of me, and explained that when he is being mean, he is not really being mean, he is just trying to push me to the best of my ability. My birthday is a big deal. We have a big party, and a haunted hayride that we put together as a family. My older sister won’t be here for my party, so I am kind of bummed about that. My little sister is making cakes and cupcakes for my party. She is the best baker that I know. I am so excited to have my whole family, and most of my friends come celebrate with me. I am not my grandma’s favorite grand kind, and everyone knows it. For her to ask me to go get a pedicure with her is really important to me. 

I dealt with my difficult times by going to counseling, going for walks, and self care. If you are struggling remember that it can get worse before it gets better. Just keep pushing through this hard time. I have pushed my whole life, and I am almost out of the pain. You got this!

I was so sad, and miserable all through the last three months. I basically went home and laid in bed. I felt like I had nobody. I have really been trying to be more positive with myself. I try to go for a walk every night, snuggle with my mom and puppies, and take my little sister to do more things with me. 

 This week, I have been focusing more on myself. I talk to my friends who make me feel most like myself. I always have felt like I need a boyfriend to be happy. I have been so sad, angry, and emotionally unavailable for the last three and half months because the person I thought I would be with forever, left. All my friends have boyfriends, so why shouldn’t I have one, right? I am still working on loving myself without a boyfriend because I built my hobbies, outfits, daily plans, so basically my whole life around him. I never made time for self care, hanging out with my family, or taking time to do things with just my friends. The last two weeks have really opened my eyes. When I wake up in the morning I have been looking forward to dressing up, putting on makeup and doing my hair. I do not do all of that for anyone but myself. Still learning to love the time by myself is hard, but as I keep pushing through it I realize that my alone time is when I am truly my happiest. 

I have been going to church, spending more time at home, and have gone to counseling twice in the last 2 weeks. I am not the most religious person because growing up I was basically forced to go to church with my parents who are the most toxic for each other. Recently I have retaught myself what church is and how I would like to live through god. Every Sunday I attend church and it makes me feel so good. I have spent more time at home with my mom, we even go to snuggle together and watch a movie. The last few nights have been so great being home with my little sister and my mom. Counseling lets me relieve all the emotions that I can not say to anyone else. 

If you are struggling right now, just know it will get better. It always gets worse before it gets better. You got this!

The last couple weeks have been pretty rough. I have not really talked to my dad in a while. I miss my big sister, and I am worried about my little sister. I skipped a lot of school last week because I felt numb and like I could not move. My mom and I have gotten a lot closer the last few months. 

My dad and I have not really had a solid conversation in a while. I think it has almost been a month. The only time we have talked was when he called me and said hurtful things because I forgot to leave my mom’s keys on the table. All he wanted to do was move her car from the back to the front, and she can’t even drive right now. My mom had a big surgery and is still recovering. My big sister is away at school. We do not get to talk very much because she has to be on wifi to call or text. My little sister gets bullied at school by her classmates, and the school does nothing. The principal wants to put the blame on her instead of the other kids. One of them gave her a concussion and she was out of school for two weeks. The only punishment he got was out of recess for five days. Then when she came back he threatened her that he would do it again. She loves school and is super smart, but does not like to go because the kids are mean. My mom and I are pretty much the same person. We think the same, dress the same, and have the same attitude. As you could imagen we but heads a LOT. Lately we have been getting along and no matter what happens she is always there for me. 

To keep me smiling, and going I went to counseling two times. Counseling is a way for me to release how I really feel without hurting anyone’s feelings. I get to tell my counselor anything, and she can not tell. That’s what I like best about her. I did get to talk to my older sister, and that really helped a lot. I took my younger sister for a drive, and we chatted about how she has been feeling. My mom and I got to spend two straight days together, just relaxing. These last two weeks have been a struggle for me, but I would not want to change my distractions for anything else. 

This week my emotions are happy. I feel good, very excited for me to start feeling myself again.  I am happy but I have an anxious feeling in my chest. My life is going really well right now. I have reconnected with my friend, who is now my best friend. 

When I was little, I grew up in a fighting home. My parents had my sister while they were still in highschool. Then five years later they had me, and my little sister a few years after that. One memory I have from when I was little was my parents were fighting and my dad got mad because he couldn’t find something, so he chucked everything off the dresser and broke everything that was on that dresser. Most people know me as the happy, goofy, money bags, but to be realistic I am none of those things. My personality is happy, goofy, and loving. People think that just because my dad has money, that I have money. That is definitely not the case in this situation. Yes, it is true my dad has money, but he does not give me money, ever. 

The way I deal with my at home life is going to counseling, writing down how I feel in a note book and keeping myself distracted. I go to counseling twice a week. I enjoy getting to tell someone that I do not know much about. It also helps because they can not tell my parents what I say. I journal every night before I go to bed. Sometimes I rip it up and throw it away, and other times I leave it in there to see how much I have improved since then. I distract myself by hanging out with friends, and my little sister. We all try and go do fun things together since we all feel sad sometimes.